Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

(Jupiter –

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner

HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.