Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
You Might Also Like
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Did…did a minotaur write this