Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The future is now.

Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay