invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
👍
🌱🌱🌱
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
don’t be scared
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
