invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
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Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
This is why I hate group projects
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”