*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
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What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag