@ThugRaccoons

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

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@Ristolable

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

@Shenaniglenns

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

@scottsimpson

Maybe it’s just me, but reading books on an iPad Mini, I really miss the smell, the heft, the traditional reading experience of an iPad 2.

@Skoog

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

@Mr_Kapowski

*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
*I follow*

Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*

@WiseguyPictures

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

@tigersgoroooar

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu