If you mean by having sex every two years, then yes I am bisexual.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
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Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Maybe it’s just me, but reading books on an iPad Mini, I really miss the smell, the heft, the traditional reading experience of an iPad 2.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I’ve never been afraid to admit when other people are wrong
*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu