Ion see the issue
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Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
#Caturday
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
scares
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel