ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
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[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.