Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?

*gets filled with hope*

Hope: *has a leak*

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.