Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
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(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.