iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
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Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
If a snake ate a cake
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.