Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

Can confirm.

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.