iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
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Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
#polloftheday
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.