iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
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I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Google Pay be like:
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏