Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately

Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

🐶😂

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??

Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀