It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
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I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.