Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

what

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.