Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.

The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO