Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving

Ouija: G O B B L E

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.

Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Caveman: I have discovered fire

Village: yayyyyy

Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff

Village: booooo

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?

Me: I just did 438 sit ups.

8: sounds legit.

I’ve taught her well.

*goes outside*

*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*

*regrets today’s choice of underwear*

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?