My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
3yo: daddy someone is texting you
[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?
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Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.
[flying remote control helicopter near my wife]
GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY-
[helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I’m a dead person]
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?
*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.