[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
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Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.