[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?

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My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.


Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.


me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old


Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.


[flying remote control helicopter near my wife]


[helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I’m a dead person]


4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4


[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*


Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake


If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.