@novicefather

[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?

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@kimtopher22

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

@SamReidSays

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

@jonnysun

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

@ibid78

Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.

@ericsshadow

[flying remote control helicopter near my wife]

GET THAT THING AWAY FROM MY-

[helicopter gets tangled in her hair & now I’m a dead person]

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

@TheRolo

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

@BraandoCommando

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

@Spaziotwat

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.