[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?

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If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.


For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair


My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.


Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do


You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?


A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”


I’ve found a diner. Or maybe it’s a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.


General Contractor: Don’t worry ma’am, everything will be ready, we’ll have the scaffolding set up and erected.
Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha


F1: I’m going camping.

F2: What about the wild animals?

F1: I’ve got that covered. I’ve been secretly training at Furry conventions.