@novicefather

[iphone vibrates]
3yo: daddy someone is texting you

[landline phone rings]
3yo: what is that sound?

You Might Also Like

@lilgapeach30

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “grow up!” I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.

@fanofhell

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

@Bob_Janke

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

@Ginlicker

You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?

@EndhooS

A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”

@CanadianCyn

I’ve found a diner. Or maybe it’s a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.

@trainwreck1000

General Contractor: Don’t worry ma’am, everything will be ready, we’ll have the scaffolding set up and erected.
Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha

@JustDontBugMe

F1: I’m going camping.

F2: What about the wild animals?

F1: I’ve got that covered. I’ve been secretly training at Furry conventions.