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I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…