iPhone X
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{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I got patted down by airport security.
Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.