iPhone X
You Might Also Like
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
could’ve been anyone
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
How to make infinite energy.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*