iPhone X
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“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Church Pugh’s
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”