Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*

“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”

*Hipsters clear*

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.