iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?