Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
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i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot