@TheDairylandDon

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

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@TheMichaelRock

An anonymous internet person said they were going to block me and then blocked me. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

@SamGrittner

I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.

@ellle_em

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

@LeviathanPride

Why did the US invade Iraq when Steven Seagal’s ponytail contains 85% of the worlds natural resources?

@malt_skull

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

@trojansauce

ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne

@Beesthegame

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

@NurseMurderer

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

@AndrewsNotFunny

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.