Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
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I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.