Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping

Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house

Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse

Ken is short for chicken

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

WTF IS THAT!

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being