IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
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Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
