Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?

unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?

dm celine dion, please.

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.