Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?

ME: I taught myself how to play piano

INTERVIEWER: By ear?

ME: No, just with my hands

Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS

You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

Why did the Christmas cake disappear?

It was stollen.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

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Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft