Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
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I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker