Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
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Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.