Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

My patience has stretch marks.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!

also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

person walking past me: (politely) good morning

me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”