Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
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a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.