Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
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Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
This is sending me to another galaxy
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.