Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
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I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.