Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

Joseph Smith, 1833

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.