Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.


Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

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The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.


Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.


Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?

Her: What’s zombiefy?

Me: …Your hair looks great!


The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.


Netflix and chil…dren.

Because letting them watch TV in the morning is the only way I can get a little extra sleep.


If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one


[at my house after 1st date]

me: so, do you wanna have some sex?

her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass


“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????


*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.