@Reverend_Scott

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

You Might Also Like

@SJKSalisbury

The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.

@redrose0117

Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.

@YeahDrewisOn

Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?

Her: What’s zombiefy?

Me: …Your hair looks great!

@mjkspeaks

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

@DadandBuried

Netflix and chil…dren.

Because letting them watch TV in the morning is the only way I can get a little extra sleep.

@JodingersCat

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

@KKBowls

[at my house after 1st date]

me: so, do you wanna have some sex?

her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass

@jpbrammer

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

@Reverend_Scott

*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.