Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

My bad habits got renewed for another season.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.

Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house

somebody come look at this

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.