Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?