Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!

Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.