Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…

it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …