iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
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impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
My Sentiments Exactly
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!