Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
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I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
😩😩😩
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper