Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

if a cop pulls u over play dead

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”

I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning…

Nestle in the afternoon.

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.