Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
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Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit