Ironic
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“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor