Ironic
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in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Yup.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
How to make infinite energy.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
