*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
fly smarter, not harder
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.