*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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The morning after pill, but for tweets
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
OKAY DAD
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.