*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”