*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Yes my dude
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?