Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
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Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water