Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
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I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
fr
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.