Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

Autocarrot sucks!

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Sorted

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.