Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
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Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
