Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
anyone else like Italian cereal
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs