my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
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Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.
7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
*uneasily answers phone
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan: Give it back…
CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.