@timdonakowski

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

@hiitsgabrielle

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.

@anylaurie16

7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”

@roywoodjr

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

@aissalanis

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

@mydmac

*uneasily answers phone

‘Guess who?’

David?

‘No’

John?

‘No’

Mike?

‘No’

Steve?

‘No, I made you very happy the other night’

Haagen Daz?

‘NO’

Pizza Hut?

@better_off_dad

CAT scans are just like regular scans, only the techs push you off the table after.

@weinerdog4life

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.