Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.