Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Thank heavens for community notes
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.