Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
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how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan