Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
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NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
incredible google review i just found
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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