Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
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[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.