Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.