Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
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I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Nice try, NASA
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws