Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
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(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!