Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You Might Also Like
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
The cycle continues
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?