Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.

The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude

It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.

“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

😆

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’