Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
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Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?