Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.