Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I cannot call her anything else now
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Truth
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.