Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.